Don’t Act Like Prey! Be Assertive! (Final Comment)

The first time I did a seminar on this material I asked the participants what they thought was the biggest advantage to being assertive.  One woman spoke up (I wish I had gotten her name!) and said “You just might get what you want.”

That sums it up!  The best way to get what you want is to start by asking for it!  And that takes assertiveness.

Remember that assertiveness is just respecting your rights as a human being while respecting the rights of others.  It is respecting yourself while respecting others.

We also need to remember that whatever we choose to do in a situation, whether it is passive, aggressive, or assertive, we are responsible for that choice.  We are also responsible for the consequences, good or bad, of that choice.

Best of luck to you in your journey to consistent assertiveness!  I welcome your comments and stories!

Don’t Act Like Prey! Be Assertive! (Stories 6)

As discussed before, there are times when we go from being assertive to being aggressive.  The more we can recognize why we do this, the more we can control it.

I have a tendency sometimes to wait too long to say something.  By the time I do say something, it has had too long to brew inside me.  Rather than calmly stating the issue, I sometimes overreact and cross from being assertive to being aggressive.  I sometimes do this when I am angry as well.  I think we may all be guilty of that! 

For long-term relationships to thrive, it is good if we can take a deep breath and think about how we are going to say something as well as what we are going to say before we do.

I would love to hear any stories or examples that you have related to passive, aggressive or assertive behavior!

Don’t Act Like Prey! Be Assertive! (Stories 5)

Once upon a time, I had a supervisor who lied.  Not only did she lie, but she expected her employees to lie for her.  I discovered the first part early in my employment.  I never imagined the second existed until the day she asked me to lie to a customer for her.

I was shocked!  I had never had anyone ask me to lie for them before.  I was so shocked that I did it.  I have regretted it ever since.  I was passive, but I had no idea how to be assertive in this situation and there was not enough time to think of a plan.

The next time she asked me to lie, I decided I was not going to do it.  I did not tell her that, though!  I still was not at the assertive stage.  I still wanted and needed my job.  Fortunately, the situation that she anticipated did not happen and so I was able to avoid confronting her.

By the third time she asked me, I was ready.  I still wanted my job, but I had a plan if I lost it.  I did not want to sacrifice one of my most important values for her.  When she asked me to lie to a customer again, I simply looked at her and said, “No.  I am not going to lie.”

She looked at me like she could not believe anyone would say that to her!  Then she started backtracking and stating that that was not what she meant and then left. 

It was scary!  I thought she might fire me on the spot.  (Although I would have fought it if she had.)  Yet I think I handled it well.  I stood up to her and more importantly, I stood up for my values.  I was assertive and stated that I was not going to lie, but I did not become aggressive.  I spoke with respect.  I did not yell, rant, or rave.  I did not make threats.  I was assertive.

In some situations, we may need time to become assertive.  We may need to be passive until we can reach the stage where it is possible to be assertive.  That is fine.  We can wait until we are ready.  So long as we do become ready.

Don’t Act Like Prey! Be Assertive! (Stories 4)

We are all in situations sometimes where despite our best efforts we become aggressive and disrespectful of someone else.  When this happens, sometimes apologizing can make a tremendous difference.

Earlier in the year I was in Cleveland for a speaking engagement.  The return trip to Milwaukee was horrible!  My flight from Cleveland to Chicago was delayed because of weather in Chicago.  When I finally arrived in Chicago, I found that my flight to Milwaukee was also delayed.  Later it was delayed again.  And again.  At one point the gate attendant announced that, although the flight was not canceled, if anyone wanted to reschedule for the next day, they could.  At some point after that, she announced that anyone that wanted to take the last bus from Chicago to Milwaukee could trade their flight ticket in for bus ticket, even though the flight was not cancelled, just delayed.

Like everyone else, I went up to the desk to try to find out if the plane was ever going to leave or not.  I was very frustrated with the situation, and started snapping at her.  I caught myself, took a deep breath, and apologized.  “I am sorry.  None of this is your fault.  It is out of your control.  You are trying your best.  Being frustrated is no excuse to take it out on you.  I’m sorry.”

Not only was she very gracious about it, but she helped me so much later!  I finally decided to take a limo back to Milwaukee.  She very patiently explained what would happen with my luggage, where to find the limos, and what to do.  She was extremely nice.  I doubt very much that would have been the case had I not apologized.

When we do something wrong, sometimes the best we can do is apologize.

Don’t Act Like Prey! Be Assertive! (Stories, 3)

We all sometimes become aggressive and treat people with disrespect.  A key is to determine why we do this.  Is there a trend?  Is there something that triggers this behavior?  If so, then we can do something about it.

For example, when I get hungry, I get irritable.  When I start to feel myself going from assertive behavior to aggressive behavior, I try to stop and think why I am doing this.  Is it really the person that is causing it?  Is it the situation?  Or is it something else, such as hunger and a drop in blood sugar?  Usually the situation is part of the problem!  But if hunger and low blood sugar is escalating me toward aggressive behavior, is it fair to take it out on the other person?  Of course not.

In addition to being aware of this, I also try to have a plan to deal with it.  I carry snacks with me.  It helps!  It may not resolve what is going on around me, but it does help what is going on inside me.  I can then handle the situation more appropriately.

I really was not aware that other people recognized this in me.  When I found out, I was a little embarrassed! 

I had a wonderful administrative assistant in a previous position.  She would often help out on another floor, so if I couldn’t tell her I was going to lunch, I would call her and let her know.  I usually took lunch early.  One day I was really involved with things and it was going on 2:00 before I could take lunch.  I called to let her know.  Her response:  “What!  You haven’t had lunch yet?  There’s no one dead up there is there?  Do I have to clean up any blood?”

Keeping in mind that she was joking, it still made me realize that other people do recognize when we are being aggressive even if we do not.  This is worth keeping in mind!

 

Don’t Act Like Prey! Be Assertive! (Stories, 2)

What makes us assertive?  In some cases, for me at least, it is strong emotions.

Seventh grade was full of changes.  My class of about 15 went from a rural elementary school to the middle school in town.  From staying in the same classroom with two grades and one teacher in the room, we went to a school where the teachers stayed in the same room and the students moved!  We were also with students from all over the county.

It was fun and at the same time a little scary to be meeting so many new people and making new friends.

At one point, a few girls that I was friends with said that if I wanted to continue to be friends with another group of girls, then they did not want to be friends with me anymore.  I do not remember the drama details as to why.  It could not have been that drastic!

I do remember, though, becoming extremely angry.  How dare they try to tell me who I could have as friends!  What gave them the right to dictate to me what I could or could not do?!  In typical pre-teen fashion I told them that I didn’t want them as friends either and stormed off.  There was only one of the girls that I ever spoke to again, and that was a few years later.

If a similar situation happened today, I would handle it better.  I would try to determine what the problem really was and try to resolve the issue into more of a win-win.  Considering my age at the time, though, I am proud that I stood up and spoke out.  I was assertive.  I did not let them control me.  And who knows how that triumph may have positively affected me as I continued to grow?

The important thing is that we are assertive.  We do not have to be great at it, at least not at first.  We just need to be the bear!

What stories do you have about your assertiveness?

Don’t Act Like Prey! Be Assertive! (Stories, 1)

Being passive generally has costs associated with it.  We can pay these costs in our personal lives as well as our professional lives.

I had a friend through most of grade school and all of high school.  After high school graduation, our lives took very different turns.  I moved away to attend college.  She got married and had children.

Throughout college, I tried to visit her when I when I came home to visit my parents.  I certainly didn’t see her each time I came home, but I saw her on a fairly regular basis.  I even continued this after college and when I started my career.

Gradually my visits became fewer and fewer and finally stopped altogether.  The reason?  Every time I saw her all she could do was complain about her husband, her children, and her problems.  She never seemed interested in what I was doing or what my life was like. 

Frankly, I got tired of making all the effort and having it be all about her.  Rather than being assertive and confronting her, though, I acted like prey and ran away.  That doesn’t sound very good, does it?  But it’s the truth.  I was passive.  I was a bunny, not a bear.  The result was that we lost touch and haven’t seen each other for years.

With the benefit of 20/20 hindsight, I realize I should have been assertive.  I should have stood up and spoke out.  If I had told her how I felt, it would have given her the opportunity to change if she wanted.

Why didn’t I do that?  It doesn’t seem like such a difficult thing now.  But at the time I didn’t want to confront her.  It was easier not.  However, easier doesn’t mean better. 

The cost?  A friendship ended that probably did not need to end. 

Have you had any similar experiences?  Any costs to you in your personal life for being passive rather than assertive?

Don’t Act Like Prey! Be Assertive! (Stories, Introduction)

The next several blogs will include stories about the costs of being passive and aggressive and the benefits of being assertive.

I would very much like to hear your stories as well!

I would also like your suggestions on titles.  Do you like Don’t Act Like Prey! or Stand Up!  Speak Out! better to describe assertiveness?

Thanks so much!  Tune in next week for the first story!